Data bundle below 2mbs.

Hi guys welcome to my blog channel. So alot of you have been asking about how to write the conjuction ‘and’. I know, I know, its difficult. Most of us can write exfoliating, derriere, duodenum, racial decidendi but ‘and’ is a complex term, worry no more I’ll help you with it. What you do is; one, don’t listen to a kikuyu they will say ‘ad’ ;two, just read my blogs. I know very few conjuctions thereby using ‘and’ alot. If read all of my blogs you will practice the use and pronunciation of ‘and’.

I have exploited ‘and’ to the point that if it were a mineral , it would now be an extinct ore. By the way-

No-one:

Absolutely no-one:

Not even the chirping birds:

Terry: Read my blog or I will put a curse on you.

Also,I have found a new excuse in life. I am going to use for all its worth after all, you can’t tell what not to type. The excuse is, my data bundle is below 2mbs. .

“Terry , mbona hukam kunisalimia?”

“Oops sorry, walking data bundle iko below 2mbs. Thats why.”

I will rince life out of that excuse and make it a daily routine.

“Haiya we mbona umechelewa kufika?”

“Mmh sikuwa nmerecharge time keeping bundle.”

Its a genius excuse I think, as a matter of fact I should take it to shark tank.

Person: I sent you a message, why did not read and reply to it?

Brain cell 1: Don’t do it T.

Brain cell 2: we have had a meeting about this. Don’t do it.

Mouth: my eyesight data bundle was below 2mbs.

Boom! Picture burnt.

Anyhu here we go; and, and, and, and, and, and, ad, and. There you have, your first English class on my blog channel.

I was gonna write a long blog but my bundles zinachezea 2mbs.

In grafiti

Nitaandika jinako in grafiti.
Juu vile nakupenda hio graph iko fiti. Nafall for you everytime, mind you hakuna gravity.
Na ukifa nazikwa nawewe mpaka grave itii.

Pole pole ndio mwendo
Nikupublish kwenye gazeti kihillary ng’weno.
Niandike story book ki ngugi wa thiongo
Najua words hazina instrumental
But I’m hoping the theme makes it sentimental

ningekuwa scientist ningekwambia to me your the whole solar system
ningekuwa linguist ningekwambia kwangu we ni metaphor
Coz unameta meta from a far.

Machos tu!

😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

Who came up with machos tu and do I have to pay them royalties for using it? If they decide to sue me for everything I have (500 bob mbele na nyuma) I’ll just cry. I can’t afford a lawsuit… machos tu!

Dead dreams. I remember there was a time I wanted to be Kenya’a very own beyonce. Winding my body to rhythm of my international music. Dating my own Jay-z and becoming a power couple. Answering questions to the press of what inspired my song that is currently a hit in all the continents.

“So Terry, tell us about your album.” A reporter catches us with me.

“No comment,” I respond.

My agent probably coached me to say that or I just said it because great artists have said it.

“Terry is it true that you and your partner are splitting?” The reporter is aggresive.

I turn around very frustrated and tell her she should focus on my music and not my dating life. Funny thing is, she just asked about my music and I said no comment.

I pictured the whole thing; recieving my 20 awards and becoming a mentor to this young artists. I would tell them,

“Nothing was handled to me. I worked my ass off for what I have. Young people don’t want to put in the work but want to be overnight sensations. The world doesn’t work like that… I come here to you with my favourite quote from Beyonce-”

Before I’m done with it, the crowd cheers and applauds because everything I do is international. When I remember that now am reduced to begging people to read my blogs and occassionally threatning to put a curse on their villages…machos tu. Tears.

Lets go back to day dreaming-

“The winner of the best female artist of the year goes to Terry Hinga.”

More clapping. I head to the stage to pick my award but most importantly give my acceptance speech,”My fans I couldn’t do this without you. My producer, my director and also me. I wanna thank me for my creative songs, for being there when no-one else was, for reaching the heights of success in a male dominated field. I am amazing.” More clapping.

Reality now-

“Es-cuse me Terry, but mimi am not into reading thats why I dont read your blogs. So quit fowarding them to my inbox.” 😢😢😢…machos tu.

“By the way Terry, have you ever considered another career. You know genuinely writing inaisha fashion.” 😓😓😓 machos tu.

“Terry, I saw you fowarded your blog post. Sisomi, come and beat me.” 😂😂😂… machos tu.

“Terry, I have bought the 2GB telkom bundle but still I will not read your blog. I won’t . I’ll use those bundles to tag you in my photo on ig but you will comment on it.” 😂😂😂. The confidence.

So before the day is over I check my views and… machos tu 😢😢😢.

#blogart

TYPOLOGIES OF TEACHERS

I know I talk about teachers and schools alot but in my defence people usually advice me to let go of the pain in my heart through speech. 99% of that pain rotates around the whooping I got in school and the people who administered it. So….. here we go. The types of teachers-

1. Dora the explorers

“What did you learn during the C.R.E class?”

“By the way what did you guys do on the weekend?”

No, no , no mwalimu just teach your subject. Dont worry about what mr so and so said, worry about your subject.

2. Comparing teachers

Some teachers are like african moms, always comparing us with other children(students).

“You know I’ve never had this problem with other classes”

“8 west is a better class than this.”

Ama its me huwa nawekwa classes za wanafunzi non-serious.

3. Accent teachers.

I love accents so this my personal favorite.(If I ever pursue a career in acting am definately doing a kikuyu accent). I love trying to comprehend what these teachers are talking about then write my own things.

“So the botassiom bicabornate..”

“Did you guys get your utuma number? (Huduma)

4. Whooping teachers.

Hmmn, some teachers I think just feel better when they whoop you. Its comes off as theraputic in this hard line of work.

“Where is my chalk? Sambody tell me where I put my chalk, okay you don’t know, let me go to the staffroom and get my cane maybe that will help you remember.”

Ewoooh! Jesus is Lord.

“Why do you students look sleepy?, let me get my cane and come send away the sleep. Its not you I will be caning its the sleep”

When I remember some of this things teachers told us before they whooped us, my knees weaken. I should be a motivational speaker and tell people that no situation is permanent.

5. XYZs . Funny teachers.

Some of this funny moments arise when a teacher gives real life examples that utterly describe you or your friends. You know them examples- mention them in the comments.

6. Mathematics teachers.

This is a category on its own. Heeey! I swear mathematics has its special place in hell. I mean why do this to us because we can’t understand you. Your so difficult ooh.

Funny thing is mathematics teachers were lovely and kind beings, the subject singly was the hard part.

7. Man of the people teachers.

Some teachers are like pudding, every one loves them. They are not the funniest , the most beautiful or the smartest but they zing with everyone.

Kind of teachers that you would buy a car for.

Kind of teachers even the students who have sworn to want to no affliation with the faculty seem to like.

The man of the people teachers.

8. Teachers who ended up in the wrong careers.

Now this happens in every proffession, someone ending up in a work field they did not want to be in . Sometimes due to circumstances.

Some of this teachers accept the role and do what they have to do to bring out the best out of their students. Big up to this teachers.

I haven’t mentioned all of the teachers because you know, tommorow is another day and I will be required to blog about something. That will be the ‘something’.

LOVENSLATOR

Telenovelas and movies introduced Africans to world never seen. A world where love is expressed freely and cheesy things are said. Terms of endearment include; I love you, dear, sweetheart, soulmate. These were but strange terms in pre colonial africa .

We however are not to be accused of not trying to learn. Anyone who suggests that we are not trying is just a hayra (hater).

I mean c’mon look at the occassions we have been shown love or we ourselves showed love. I’m teary just thinking about it.

Let me translate some of this instances love was shown to you but might have missed it.

Example one , when your late for class, a classmate would say-

“Unakuja ama nipeane kiti yako, haiyaa”

.

It translates to; Honey come to class will you, I want you to be educated.

They care that you will be educated.

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When you borrow some money, the debtor will assume everything you have is thanks to them. You hear them say-

“Kaa sio mimi, yule ata hangekuwa na uhai.”

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Remember that God breathed life into man and decides when He takes it.

When you clean up , wash your face and look good. A compliment looks like this –

“Ata hujikai”

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This means that the water you use can remould your clay and you will look like a different pot. A beautiful pot.

If your parent ever tells you-

“Leo tupike nini?” After a thorough beating its an apology and love served in one dish.

If you look at your mpesa WSTCDGHFGH 0.00 balance , don’t be mad, the tears in your eyes. I know don’t tell me -it’s tears of joy. Your 0.00 balance loves you and doesnt want to share you with money. Its faithful. I hear wedding bells.

Let me get some tissues because I can’t continue. I can’t. All this love.

#blogart

WHO WILL CRY WHEN YOU ARE GONE?

Steve Job once said that if you live everyday like its your last,someday you will most certainly be right.

From the moment we are born death is peeping through the window and watching us.

Its glaring hard at us as we narrowly escape its fangs. When we walk recklessly in the traffic, when we ignore a doctor’s call, when we ignore signs from our bodies .

Death is looking at our mirrored reflection and rushing to get a hold of us.

Death is like a river. An overflowing river that sweeps through lands and bare ground. Picking every dirt and valuable object without bias. Washing away the plants of the hardworking farmer. Not even a care of the time invested.

Taking away the good and bad people. Robbing us of heroes . Men who are ambassadors of change. Women who have changed the course of life. The river of death is merciless.

Death is inescapable. There is no use worrying over a program whose softare you cant change. It matters not how long you live but what you do with your time.

Make memories with people. Engage with ideologies you once thought were insane. Push your agenda one more time. Explain yourself again, in a different tone. Help someone, not because your rich, but because you can.

Leave a legacy people can remember you by. Be the reason somebody believes in the goodness of humanity.

I know, I know, the state of our universe as we know it makes you wonder whether you wanna come out of this whole life thing a monster or a good person. You can create a reality that makes you love being alive in this timeline.

As you move about in your life, who will cry when you are gone?

Confidence in life

People in shags(upcountry) think am this huge writer in the newspapers. Where did they get this information you ask, well I might have hyped myself exceedingly the last time I was there .

Saying things like;”You know our resident editor liked the story I published on the gazeti.”

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Its not like the resident editor concerns him/herself with all the stories in the news but just them hearing a complex term such as ‘resident editor’ makes them believe.

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“You know, I don’t read the gazetis” they answer.(opening)

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Yes I know, why do you think I lied with the newspapers and not television. They believe me. As a matter of fact, if you secretly whisper into their ears and say am just a daytime blogger who threatenes people to read, they won’t believe you. So don’t waste your energy going to shags to have my head on the chopping board-let me just tell you the secret of looking like you’ve made it.

If they happen to read them newspapers and not see your name or face in the columns, blame it photoshop and the political instability in this country.

Tell them the media house used someone else’s photo instead of yours not to put your life in danger. Also you use a stage name in the columns to confuse the hitmen. They are after you, because you are as valuable as the president.

Tell them you love to remain anonymous on the newspapers. Go to the extent of recreating a dramatical scene while you explain how they confused your photo with somebody else’s thats why your photo did not appear on the column. Use words such- wuuuii hii kenya aki, hii dunia ina mambo kweli.

When the time comes for you to retrieve from the rural areas, disapear in the middle of the night because they will ask for some little money(you have none). When they ask why you disappeared like a thief say the secret service unit picked you in a secret invisible jet. (Hmmn… this jet is so secret and invisible and does not exist). Then dish out some secret service terms and conditions, for instance; ‘don’t tell this to anyone’ ‘this is between you and me’. They will believe.

By the way anyone asks about me say Warukira Hinga has 3 journalistic awards and is sponsored by coca cola. Mimi am tired being on the loosing side in this life. Nimechoka.

#zerotohero

#art

#blogart

#bloghumour

Supermarket.

Being educated is a good thing. An educated person in Africa is viewed like a supermarket- they have everything.  Variety is a quality best propounded in  a supermarket. There are books, utensils, baked products, beauty products,accessories and many more.

Being an educated person means you have a variety of things that you are good at , not only are you a specialist in one particular field but also every other field. Get this, being a good teacher automatically means you can prescribe medicine to your students. Knowing something here and there about electricity means you know everything about phones and laptops.

Its the unspoken/spoken expectation of you- its even in the society bible. There is the notion that you  have multiple -IQ’s.  And this is according to a rigorous research done citizens of earth.  You are a supermarket.

You will visit your village and be expected to solve problems even the MCA can’t.

“Hey Timothy, hows you? Your mama told me you are currently at Masinde Muliro University pursuing a bachelor in Business Admnistration”

Innocently, Timothy will answer with a yes. Unknown to him, he will become the stamp of the village’s every decision.

“Hallo Timothy, are you busy today? come over by my house, the vetinary is here, come see if he is doing the correct thing.”

Timothy aint even sure the course he picked is the correct thing. Timothy don’t even know what the correct thing is.

“Hallo Timothy, is this the correct number as given by your mum. Oh it’s you, have you met my son’s current girlfriend? You haven’t? Let me tell you (1 hour later)Go advice the boy”

Tim out here being given the role of a peer counsellor. The only peer he knows is where p becomes a b to be ‘beer’. He’s a beer counsellor. Also his sentences end with…hmmn na mayengs.

“Carol,” a woman calls out. Carol want s to be a writer in a few years time. Besides that, being in campus means that she is qualified to prescribe and diagnos sicknesses.

“Caroline come here, the doctor did some tests on my blood and said the biopsy revealed some toxins in the system. Look at me Carol, am eating am walking, si the doctor is wrong.”

Caroline picks the result slip and googles to gain understanding. She then says that the doctor is right. Because of Caroline, the patient will stop disagreeing with the proffessional doctor.

Appreciate the bother though;

The opposite of this is depressing. Imagine being educated and not a single soul bothering to borrow light from your candle. Being a supermarket is a good thing means you have a variety of things to offer. If omo is out you sell ariel. If one of your skills runs out work with another. A supermarket lives in you.

How to know kikuyus are assimilating you

This is a fun article and there is no intention to cause any harm or discrimination.

One, you crave potatoes. Alot. Potatoes are the heart of kikuyu land. A meal without potatoes is like going to bed hungry.

“Baba, umekula” this is a concerned mum calling through the househelps line to talk to her kid.

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“Eeh mekula…” The mother rests easy but before she cuts off the phone the child charms in,” lakini japatia mimi waru.”

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The last maid got fired for this. A kikuyu kid must be fed some warus.

Two, a dire need to bargain. You know very well a supermarket has a fixed price of goods, but something else is stronger. The urge to save some coins. So you call for the manager, and tell him you have bought 30 items so he should cut you some slack. He says no, you change the supermarket.

Three, there is just something about water. You cant quite put your finger on it but the beauty of the colourless liquid is without denial. It looks even better when poured in some food. The meat, tomatoes , onions in there swimming for their lives is an exceptional image to you. Right there, you are kikuyu by absorption.

Four, you must attend to your business. The business is your baby. A gene in you wants to sell something during days set aside for play that is; after your wedding, after the graduation, after child birth. Have you ever attended a graduation ceremony and right before the graduate thanks the attendees, they begin with,”By the way nauzanga credit za mia na fifte, leo sina za twenty bob. If you would like some feel free to stop me in the middle of my speech and buy.”

Five, having multiple jobs. You have an mpesa shop, you have a chemist, a bakery, a private hospital over the weekend you drive to Nyahururu to sell timber.

Your date asks , eh Nyambu what do you do by the way?

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“Oh during the week am an accountant till 5pm. After that I sell mtush. During the week I open my mpesa shop and I also sell over the counter blended juice.”

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Nyambu will do that and have time for dating.

If you find yourself over-multitasking, the kikuyu gene is mutating in ya.

70 years from now

70 years from now I will be a grandma. I will be cooking yams and porridge for the whole village.

My grandkids will ask me, “shushu, where do you get the time to cook yams and porridge for the whole village,” I will answer them with, am 70 what else should I do with my time. The better question is why dint I do this sooner.

The whole village will call me shushu wa mauji. They will hush among themselves in low tones but jokes on them I will have a hearing aid. I will twist and turn my hearing aid till I get the right frequency and I will know what they are talking about. This is the rumour- I heard that she used to writes blogs, kweni what happened? Ama they were not good? But I also hear she no longer talks to her friends who did not read her blogs. That last part will be true in 70 years time or less time than that.

I will emotionally manipulate people to drink my porridge. If they refuse I will lament, “Woii first it was the blogs now its the porridge and yams. Eat it. Eat it . Or i will put a 2000 year old curse in this village.” They will fear the old woman who walks with a brown stick and wears kaftans like a monk.

My grandchildren wedding vows will be an exerpt from my blogs. My children will probably be abroad, running away from reading them blogs but sending enough money for me to buy porridge flour.

Also, I have realised something, I need to find a good way of speaking to my readers . And a good way does not involve threatning their lives. I dunno why everytime I encourage people to read by blogs the words ‘i will sue you’ or ‘there is a penalty’ seem to come up.